The turning page.

I find most often after each song completed I tend to need a bit of time apart from new creative avenues to reflect on what was just written, the why of it and if I've actually learned anything new from the experience. The closer a song is to my heart the truer this is. Sometimes it can be a day or two if it's a simpler song in terms of emotion, perhaps extolling the joys of feeling alive, be it trivial or not but always in the positive. Other times it can take a week or more if it's a song that has required me to remind myself and relive an experience or dig deeper into the impact of something I am currently working through. The past couple of days was the tail end of the latter. Thankfully I was lucky enough to spend this time on a private island situated in a scene of serene beauty where nature abounds, in order to address this state of mind and release the last of it. During a previously short but equally recharging stay at the same place, I had discovered that I really enjoy chopping and stacking wood as it gives me time to exercise body and mind, and allows me an introspection I seldom find enough environmental silence to achieve elsewhere. Suffice it to say, a fair amount of wood was chopped and stacked this time.

I have taught and continue to remind myself as best as possible to live in the now as this is the only thing I can ever be sure of, and to see the past as lessons learned or to be learned from. Although I don't find this to be the most difficult of tasks to accomplish, letting feelings go and fade to the past is on occasion another matter completely. I feel like a method actor when writing as emotions and thoughts well up with great strength and force their way to the surface, causing me to relive things internally, some of which I don't wish to relive. That this happens is a sure sign to me that I haven't dealt with something and therefore it's coming out like it or not. A necessary thing really when writing and composing. With luck this unknowing spring turns into a positive creative flow of lyrics or prose, short story or even simple entry in a notebook that I keep with me as much as possible. With even greater luck it becomes a song worth keeping. There are times however when I fall into this introspective battle of which no clear victor is to be had. If it's to the negative an all too familiar and unwanted pull downward may creep in. Recognizing this took a very long time of hide-and-seek over the years, and I have now learned to control and deal with it as best as possible. For me it comes in knowing that anything negative can be turned to positive if only I change my perspective and approach to it. Negative feelings do not have to remain as such. If I step back from the thought, tell myself "OK that's one way to look at it but how about this?" and mentally charge myself with alternate takes and perspectives, more often than not my state turns quick to the positive. Positive mental attitude, something I have heard time and again, is in reality a better way to live. When we look to ourselves and life with positivity we attract that which is positive. Same goes for negativity. Easy choice if not always easy to practice, but certainly worth the effort.

In the wake of creativity can come a pendulum that neither gains momentum nor slows pace as a metronome ticking joy to joy, pain to pain, or from one then back again. The problem with it is that I am constantly reminded just how close to the surface some of these things are and that I question whether I have dealt with the impact truly, or have just highlighted what I have learned and told myself "time to move on." Having recently completed the track "Your Song," I realized that I had in fact done just that. I learned the lessons but did not apply them to the emotional side of my life which was still left a bit raw with questions unanswered in my mind. Thankfully after a good and much needed chat this weekend I was able to recognize, due to another's perspective, that this had happened and was finally able to put to rest a part of the past. Lesson learned. The first breath of air that filled my lungs after my shared moment of "ah-ha!" was sweet, and the sensation of peace on the exhale even sweeter. The real joy in all this is that I'm now ready to move on in all aspects. Now to the next song, and perhaps even complete a couple others that have been nagging me to finish them each time to sit at the piano. It's good to feel ready, not just on the composing and performing side but in terms of life and being fully confident that now is the time to make the final push. I am taking this as far as I can go without ever looking back again. This is what I have always wanted and it has taken a great leap in self to actually go for it as opposed to just saying so, like many do. There is something to be said for following your dream in a true and honest manner, to the best of your ability with passion in heart and spirit in hand.

This is what I have learned over the last 48 hours about myself, and I think carrying it forward a good lesson I can keep to my hip when the next hurdle arrives. Sometimes getting out of the city and spending a little time with nature can do wonders. Away from technology and endless want, where the only hum is wind rustling leaves, water lapping on shore and the occasional Loon or two calling into the night.  This page has turned and a new chapter begins.